Title: Fool for Love
Type: Fanfiction, One-Shot
Summary: Penny's last relationship before Captain Hammer ended rather badly.
Disclaimer: I do not own Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog or any related plots and characters. They are the property of Joss Whedon and others who, as I have previously stated, are not myself. I am merely writing this for fun, and have no intention of using it for profit.
Notes: Um, yeah. This is more or less complete crack
. One minor spoiler for Act III.
Penny drummed her fingers on the table, bored. It was just like the last four dates she'd had with him; he was preoccupied with work, barely even looking at her, and she felt almost as though she was alone instead of in a nice restaurant with her boyfriend.
To top it off, he'd begun the evening by kicking their waiter in the stomach. That wasn't exactly the right sort of set-up for a romantic evening.
She had had enough. She'd already finished her wine and had been pushing around the remains of her meal for the better half of an hour waiting for him to get off the phone. His own food was cold and uneaten. If he didn't end the call soon—
As if on cue — and maybe something had changed in her expression to give him the hint — the phone was snapped shut. "I'm sorry about that, Penny. You'd think they need me to remind them to breathe, the way they act. They rely on me too much."
She raised her eyebrows. It was only because he made it impossible for them to run anything on their own; he had called them
, after all. "I wish you'd turn the phone off while we eat. I hate it when you make business calls on our dates. And can't you send those guys home?"
Bad Horse looked at his three cowboy henchmen, who shrugged and looked at each other. In Number One's hand, the cell phone rang again.
"Don't answer that," Penny warned, "or we're through."
Number One looked at his leader, who nodded. He tipped his hat and pocketed the phone.
She gave him a smile, but it was strained; she was growing weary of having to make demands for his time. She pushed, and every inch he gave he forgot, and the next day ended up a foot behind.
"Penny, dear," Bad Horse said, his voice soothing, "I have responsibilities. The Evil League of Evil can't just run itself, you know. Do you expect me to stop being a villain? What am I without that? Not Bad Horse — I'd just be Horse."
"Maybe I'd prefer Horse," she muttered, popping a tomato slice into her mouth. "Horse would probably have time for me."
"Don't be that way."
She swallowed, looked down at her plate. It did seem a little selfish to even say something like that, but she couldn't pretend she didn't want it. "I don't expect you to stop being you, Bad. I just want you to be you with me
"I'm more myself with you than with anyone else, Penny," he said, putting his hoof lightly on the table. After a pause, she placed her hand over it. "I can't be so honest with Fake Thomas Jefferson or Fury Leika."
"That's not what I mean." She sighed, looking away. Not far away, another couple — a sweaty-looking dark-haired man and a woman with an hourglass figure — were staring into each others eyes, looking lost. She wanted that
again. "I just need there to be time for us. We can't fix the problems we have if we don't take a moment to talk them out once in a while."
Bad Horse cast a sideways glance at his henchmen, who nodded and headed out — probably to wait by the car. He turned back to Penny. "What problems, exactly?"
Penny picked up her fork again, but there were barely any food scraps left to be pushed around. "Well, like that thing you do when we make love."
Bad Horse narrowed his eyes. "What 'thing'?"
"That thing," she repeated, waving her hand in a vague gesture. "The Death Whinny. I really wish you wouldn't do that when we're having sex."
Bad Horse stomped his hoof. "That's my staple, my signature! Asking me not to do my Death Whinny is like — it's like asking Johnny Snow to not be so cold!"
"It just makes it really hard to — you know. Stay in the mood."
Bad Horse snorted. "Anything else you think is wrong with us?"
Penny bit her lip, but couldn't keep herself from telling the truth. "You don't show any interest in the things I care about."
"Like what? Your little homeless pets?" he scoffed. "Penny, I'm evil
. It would be blasphemous for me to give a damn about those pathetic little worms. Maybe if you took up some more interesting hobbies — like, say, laying off the frozen yogurt—"
"There you go again, acting like everything is somehow my
fault!" Penny huffed, crossing her arms. "And I'll have you know I'm a very healthy weight! I've lost thirty pounds since we started dating!"
"You could stand to lose a few more."
Bad Horse, sensing he was heading in a bad direction, changed the subject abruptly. "Maybe things would work a little better between us if you were a villain, too. You could get into the ELE, I'm sure, with ease!"
"What, so you only date other villains now?" Penny stood up, collecting her jacket and purse. "And— and next you'll only date other horses, right? Well let me tell you something: I hope you can find a mare who can talk
, because otherwise Death Whinnies will be all you hear when you have sex! And I bet you won't satisfy her, either!"
She turned and walked away, her pace quick. "Where are you going?" Bad Horse called after her.
"I'm leaving, Bad! And don't expect me to come back!"
"I'd rather you didn't!" he shouted, still at the table. "I was growing tired of you, anyway!"
Penny's jaw tightened as she tried not to cry, passing the three cowboys in the car. She had a long walk home, and she didn't like to cry on the streets.
A few blocks down, she slowed, shaking slightly, but she didn't let the tears fall. Another man had broken her heart. Sometimes she was afraid she would never find the stability and love she longed for.
"I'm never dating a villain again."